Was anyone asking me? Probably not.

Keeping track of the hours I've worked in a timesheet to be submitted on a weekly or biweekly basis is not my dream, it's someone else's. I don't want to spend my life at a computer doing meaningless tasks, answering other people's questions as per the contract. Of course I want to help people out, but maybe that means doing what I love, getting past all the security guards and plain-clothed cops, blending in amongst omnipresent surveillance and mapping out the hidden inner workings of space mountain, splash mountain, thunder mountain.

I know the animatronic supervisor was happy to have me on their team. Loved crying to me, being listened to attentively. I know how it can feel to be witnessed, recognized, but that's not what they pay me for. Emotional toll is not listed as one of the job's requirements. The tribal bargains are no good unless there's reciprocity. I should be getting paid much more than I am for what I do. I'm not yet starting fights with strangers, throwing shit at the walls, screaming, but maybe I am enjoying the chaos at some level.

I pick the locks on the filing cabinets for fun. Anchor in the body with how it's experiencing this very moment. Recalling DJ sets at record stores and a feeling of joy in the body, movement. Connections with everything around me radiating out up to the stars and down into the core of the earth. Together in this living and yet, my survival depends on how others are perceiving me.

What's on the other side of disillusionment? Beyond the frustration, anger, bitterness, disappointment. Is there a taste of sweetness, a feeling of ease? Green pushing through the dirt and trash we've been living with. Strange to hear laughter in the park instead of screaming at this hour. I thought it was a dog barking, but listening again, I recognize it as human laughter in the predawn. It's odd, but welcome.

I hear George through the wall arguing with his friend. Cars racing up the hill at 6 in the morning. Neighbors already at subway entrances and exits just looking for signatures to get anyone else on the ballot. Dragons for Halloween but not for Christmas. Am I just living in a mental construct, imposing my perceptions onto what's actually happening around me? 

Seeing love in everyone (almost everyone), joy in everyone, beauty. Everyone the main character. Public school kids carrying their poster boards in for the big presentation, older women with their keys laced between their fingers. May they never become former New Yorkers. Church gates locked, draped in chain. Something faith and hope, but I'm not putting belief outside of myself. No more follow the leader. See for yourself.