Maybe now you're ready?

I'm ready to go now. Back to life. Back to reality echoing in my head. In order to get away from this casino or resort hotel or whatever it is, the first order of business is finding the car, remembering where it's parked.

Next: warming up the car, making sure it still starts because it's been sitting for awhile. Digging the car out of three feet of solid ice in the winter has had severe impacts on this body. My wrists are aching, shoulders, back. Was it worth the pain? Probably not, but even through pain, I am still warm with the internal fire of a job well done.

Not really well done, actually. Back to reality means acknowledging that the job was kind of half-assed. I didn't get the car dug out completely, it's still stuck in ice and now I can't really use my hands, or put any pressure on my wrists, but I tried. I did my best. That's worth something— that effort. I love me for it. The sun will take over and finish the job, it's going to warm up eventually.

Sometimes I like to remind myself, the child of me, as long as you live under my roof, you know that you'll be safe with me. I'll give you something to eat, warm blankets and pillows, we'll have tea. That's the offering I can share with myself and others: intention, effort. I can't guarantee anyone's safety or happiness, impacts are outside of my control, but I can create the conditions in which safety, joy, peace and satisfaction are nourished and can thrive.

I'm done with whatever THIS has been. I'm not here to passively consume state and corporate propaganda videos (apparently, that's what streaming media services have become). I'm not here to wander an infinite shopping mall, having my gait and eye movements tracked and scanned to create shopping and threat profiles for companies to sell to each other, governments to exploit in their for-profit prisons and wellness camps. No more trying to save for retirement, because there is no retirement– we are the resource slated for infinite extraction: our labor while the bodies still function, our energy and attention when the bodies give out. A long-term drain game on the soul. Even knowing that, I don't even want to quit this place because I know the garden it will become. 

This is the beginning of a longer story. I was going to hold the whole thing and then post it on a paid tier after I get that set up when I return, but I have very little restraint when it comes to writing. I prefer to just hit publish instead of letting things sit around for too long. I lose momentum. I'm easily distracted, always doing at least 38 things.

By the time I get back, we'll have passed through eclipse portals and be in an entirely new season and this will no longer be as relevant. Temperatures in New York City today are rising into the 30s, it feels almost balmy out. I hear birds singing. In six weeks it'll really be spring and the sensations of being buried in ice will be a distant memory.

to be continued