I decided I was finished

A big graduation, for real this time. One of the ones that need to be held in massive stadiums and concert halls— we're all graduating this time, no matter the grades in the end, no matter how hard anybody studied or messed around. It's time to celebrate. I don't know what I'm doing after this, but I know that I got through it— that's something. No plans for the future, just going to do how I do, I guess.

I'm excited. I've never graduated anything real before. That's not totally true. I'm not the first in my family to graduate, but there are graduations here now for all kinds of things. So much so that the idea of graduation has almost been made meaningless. Kids out here having kindergarten graduations, middle school graduations, high school graduations. I did graduate from college once, grad school twice— I may have skipped those graduations actually, now that I think about it, but this is different. Everybody's graduating now and the celebrations are off the charts to reflect the time.

So many parties, with all the music and the best food we can find. Everyone celebrates together, there are no more little cliques and clubs. No insiders and outsiders. No one's been left out and denied an invitation. I was part of the crew trying to get things set up. Maybe I still had a job and had to get permission from my employer for something.

I was telling them what was going to happen: we've got a projector, we're going to be showing a movie outside because we want visuals for the occasion and the supervisor was being nitpicky telling me what I was allowed to do and forbidden to do. Like I couldn't show it on the building wall because there was still scaffolding up in some places. That would have been visually confusing, but I guess it was also going to damage the structure somehow? I felt like they were still trying to tell me what to do, lay restrictions and limitations on me because they were my "boss" and I was their "employee," I have to do what they tell me in order to "get paid." I'm so over that. Can I quit yet? Aren't jobs over?

I got the information and materials I needed and went to set up for the parties. I feel like I can't totally let loose and enjoy myself when I have to be doing all this running around getting ready for the event, doing all this behind-the-scenes work— other people don't even see or appreciate how much work some of us are doing to make this place fun for everyone. It's thankless work, but I guess it's what I signed up for. A few of us were coordinating logistics, making sure things looked good, that there would be space enough, everyone would be fed and cared for, there was more than enough to get down and boogie with. Everything looks really good, looks great. Now I can go back to where I stay and get myself ready. What to wear?

There was probably some kind of dress code for graduation, but I don't know what it was. I lived in shared space with others and I saw the amazing things they were all wearing— some people planned out their outfits for this way in advance. I could have put more thought into it, I guess. I mostly just want to feel comfortable, stay warm when it gets cold, wear shoes I can dance all night in. Looking cute would be fun, but I suspect I'm cute no matter what I wear, no matter the age. Getting ready is half the fun usually, but I didn't even bother with hair and makeup this time, I just want to get there. I'm so excited for this! It's been a long time coming. We've suffered and lost so much, it's wonderful to be able to celebrate something, anything together. 

I confess that I'm one that gathers for every meteor shower, exclaims at every rainbow. I sit patiently staring into the dark for the sunrise and let out a loud cheer and applause at sunset. Try to imagine my excitement at the nearest passing of another interstellar object. It's going to be closest to the earth in its whole trajectory tomorrow.

I'm not looking for the more-than-human intelligence aboard the living rock that the comet is made of, I'm not interested in technology that way. I don't even care what color it is now: it's been yellow, blue and green already, changing trajectory multiple times; slowing down and speeding up. I'm most excited about the energy it's bringing with it as it enters our atmosphere. Frequencies from a great distance beyond our space-time limitations may already be raining down invisibly, shifting perceptions and capabilities. We are so much more than we've imagined. Let the rains that fall dissolve the structures we've been imprisoned in. These cognitive traps and solidified belief systems–limiting ideas about who we are and how life is– let them melt, dissolve, evaporate. All the gods are one god and we are not separate from Them, this earth or each other. All is one. 

Everybody was at the party, it was lit. Hype. Whatever the kids are saying today, that's what it was— the best! All my lovers were there and all our passion still held us together strong. Just get me anywhere near their bodies and this body dissolves into a pool of devotion, celebration. I'm not supposed to name names, especially those who have other families and still like living secret lives. They know who they are and they know what we are together, how we feel. The qualities of our passion: what that freedom tastes, feels and sounds like. My hands all over them is celebration.

Them as plural pronoun here. One lover after another. And no one up in their rigid ideas about how relationships are supposed to happen, that I'm broken or fucking things up by loving more than one person. I'm not. There's nothing wrong with what we do. I'm here to tell you it's not only possible, it's really wonderful to be in a room with more than one lover present, it's just my regular life. We're just at the same party. I love them all, I'm glad to see them all and proud of the ones who can get over themselves enough to allow the fact that love doesn't have to be limited by jealousy, feelings of unworthiness, betrayal and nuclear relationship formatting. That's over now, right? This is old news, isn't it? 

It is for me and my lovers. I loved being with all of them again. I have different relationships with all the different people. We have different things to talk about, different physical connections, different kinds of laughter. Some I can't take my hands off, others the connection is a little more chilled out and intellectual, others it's much more passionate, sacred, profane. I love them all, all our expressions bring me joy. Rekindling connections with lovers I haven't seen in years, catching up. How am I going to make it through the night feeling all I feel? We still have to eat, sleep, take care of these bodies. The party begins and ends, I guess. Is that how it works still? A limited run engagement? Maybe it might be another way now, this party is meant to last.